Thoughts About One Year of Marriage.

Taking stock of the lessons I learned over this first year of being hitched.

Coucou Substack & my loyal readers who are still here despite my inactivity and slander of the platform! I hope the holiday break has allowed you some much-deserved rest and joyful time with the most important people in your lives.

December 17 marked my one-year wedding anniversary (yeah, wow. I know! I am a married a woman,who would have thought!), and, looking back, there are numerous lessons I learned over the past 376 days. It would be a lie to say this was the hardest thing I ever had to do (keeping a consistent workout schedule has been more challenging), but it would also be dishonest to act like marriage is a walk in the park.

The topic of relationships and marriage is a hot potato. Everybody has a different opinion on it, and most of the time it can lead to controversial takes and conclusions. Multiple people have written about it on here and the numerous online magazines that offer advice on personal relationships. Apparently having a boyfriend, let alone a husband, is embarrassing now.

Personally, I have yet to form an opinion about what makes for a “good” marriage because I think each person is different, and it’s hard to come up with a universal rulebook. What works for my family cannot—and certainly will not—work for a Hollywood couple or those who subscribe to polyamory.

There are parameters and values that I live by—and I highly suggest you also come up with a similar list and make sure they align with your future spouse—but under no circumstances do I believe these are the absolute truth or the only way forward. They are personal choices based on the singular experience and life aspirations of each one of us. Obviously, I think there are some objective, fundamental principles one should follow (things like faithfulness, truthfulness, nonviolence, etc.) in order for the relationship to thrive and last as long as possible, but these are applicable to every corner of life. Morals, I think they are called.

As this is my first marriage, and therefore a territory I am only beginning to understand, my sense of what this bond entails is still very much in formation. For that reason, it felt more meaningful to reflect on this new dimension of my life rather than to take stock of the many positive developments in my career. Besides, I discovered that few things are more satisfying than reaching a breakthrough on something you have spent the last six months discussing with your significant other—possibly even winning them over in the process. So, without further ado, here’s a list of things I learned in this first year of being married.

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1. INCREDIBLY MODEST COURTHOUSE WEDDING VS TRADITIONAL CHURCH CELEBRATION

   The first, and probably most satisfying, lesson is that the size and cost of your ceremony will have no impact on the outcome your marriage. There is truly no difference between getting married at the Brooklyn courthouse in a place that looks like the hall of a post office, and having an opulent, Instagram-style wedding.
   
   As somebody who was raised catholic in Italy and only had one idea of what a wedding celebration should look like (flowers, extensive guest list, church sermon, delicious reception and so on), a more modest, unorthodox and fast wedding in a secular institution sounded pathetic. Broke behavior, as they say. That was until I was presented with the endless issues that come with organizing a marriage service when you and your prospective spouse come from different cultures, backgrounds and—above all—countries.
   
   My wedding service costed about $60 in total (not counting the commute from our home to the courthouse in the subway, or the wine bottle and food we bought afterwards to celebrate the moment). We had no guests, except the mandatory witness required by law and both me and the groom wore clothing we already owned. Our wedding photos are also quite funny: we took a polaroid down to the Greenpoint waterfront and asked random passersby if they could take pictures of us together.
   
   Does that make me a pick me or financially-savvy? Everyone is entitled to their opinion on this topic, but what I know is that we saved a massive amount of money—the average NYC wedding costs $75,000—time and, not least importantly, all of the headaches that come with having to make a guest list for the “most important day of your life”. Do you invite that uncle you haven’t seen in 15 years? Will your sixth-removed cousin get offended if my grandmother travels from Italy and they weren’t invited, though they live in the same borough? Is raw fish allowed at the reception? Thankfully, I had to answer none of the above.
   
   I thought I would regret not having my family or close friends present as I am not immune to wanting to share the big happenings with my loved ones but if there is one thing I learned is that there are a million better ways to celebrate “love” with them. It doesn’t have to be an isolated event.
   
   As the only person in my lineage to have eloped in a very secular, almost Las Vegas style way, I have left a bigger impression than if I had a traditional Catholic wedding with big flower arrangements and a dress I’ll never wear again.
   
   The two-people omakase dinner attended by me and my new husband on the night of our ceremony gave me more life than having to spend hours going around a room thanking people I had not seen in 15 years for showing up and for their $100 contribution to the “start of my new, marital life” (I had already been living with my husband for years before we decided to make it “official).
   

2. DISNEY FAIRYTALES DO NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE, BUT SCREAMING FIGHTS SHOULDN’T BE THE NORM.
   
   As somebody who had never really thought about marriage growing up—and really not until my late 20s—the experience has, so far, proved positive and energizing. Quite the opposite of what I was led to believe as a woman coming of age in the 2000s. Of course I cannot deny that there are ups and downs and everyday is a big learning curve, but such is life. Isn’t it?
   
   Arguments happen, but each confrontation should lead to improvement in the communication department. I guess being in a relationship with somebody I had been friends with for 10 years prior to falling in love also helps—we know each other’s quirks like the inside of our pockets.
   
   So far, this has been one of the most interesting and prolific years of my life both personally and professionally. As I settled into my new “wife” shoes, my dreams and ambitions also continued to manifest. In fact, exchanging vows has ushered in an era of unprecedented boldness when it comes to my work.
   I refused projects that didn’t feel right and had the courage of saying “no” to things that didn’t really serve my trajectory. Was I emboldened by the fact that I now had somebody who could shoulder my losses if I needed? Not sure, but it definitely helps to have a person you can rely on if shit hits the fan. This leads me to the next lesson.
   

3. MARRY SOMEBODY WHO WAS YOUR FRIEND FIRST.
   
   I know this can sound difficult to put in practice because the concept of friendship is quite loose nowadays, but I think it’s something we should all put more weight on. A good friend should have all of the qualities of a good spouse and vice-versa.
   
   What I learned in the course of this one year, and really over the five years of my relationship, is that marrying somebody you were friends with at first really helps to avoid a few of those inevitable hurdles that come from sharing your space with another person.
   
   They know what you like and dislike, and you have already experienced their weird preferences in food, TV shows or literature. This doesn’t mean that it will always be smooth sailing. People aren’t static; they evolve, change their minds and behavior all the time. Be prepared for that.
   

4. MARRY SOMEBODY WITH THE SAME LIFE VALUES AS YOU.

   
   Your spouse will have traits or do things that you don’t agree with ALL THE TIME. They will differ in taste, they will be into hobbies you could care less about and they may not know how to clean the floor as perfectly as you do. These are all annoying, but resolvable things. One thing you absolutely should not have a differ opinion on is your fundamental life values.
   
   What does that mean? Well, you can’t compromise on things like: ideal family, work ethic, integrity, self-respect, dignity or flexibility (just to name a few). If you believe you should start saving money for your kids college fund when you aren’t even pregnant yet, while your spouse prefers to spend it on Louis Vuitton bags or flashy jewelry…let me tell you: this relationship won’t last long. If it does, it will be a very miserable one.
   

5. YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT A MIND READER.
   
   We all wish our significant other could be a better version of ourselves, doing all the things we want them to do without having to explain or ask. But unfortunately we have yet to reach that stage of human evolution where telepathy is embedded within us. They can’t read your mind. Sure, they pick up cues and learn our preferences as the marriage progresses but it won’t be immediate. Do not be afraid to ask exactly what you want, when you want it and how you want it. Create a wishlist of chores you’d like for them to take on; clarify the ways in which you like to be loved (gifts, words of affirmation, breakfast in bed); be upfront about the restaurants you’d like to eat at. The results won’t be instant, it will take time and training, but do not relent. We also do things our partners dislike, so let’s not cast stones from a glass house.

6. MARRIAGE = TEAM

   
   It is true that, with the decline of marriage as the only way to share a room with a partner, committed relationships take all shapes and forms nowadays, but getting married still means you are now legally bound to a person. This step alone—bringing the government into your household—should incentivize everyone to think really well before making it “official”.

   
   However, once you’ve gone ahead and signed those papers, you should now be committed to being a team. What does this mean? Well, if you’ve ever played a team sport you should know that sometimes your personal wants will need to be sacrificed for a higher, collective purpose. All decisions should be discussed, dissected, evaluated and taken based on the fact that now another person will be affected. If kids are involved, it gets even harder.

   
   This may sound like a no brainer, but it’s not so obvious. Sometimes you think things that you’ve spent your whole life mastering for yourself can continue on the same path, but even the smallest of decisions can throw the other person off.
   

7. WHEN YOU MARRY, YOU MARRY THEIR WHOLE FAMILY.

   
   I am a strong proponent of the concept that marrying a person should mean creating a new family from scratch. In fact, I stand by the Italian saying “Tra moglie e marito, non mettere mai il dito” (translation: don’t get between a husband and wife). However, I would be a fool to think you can just erase their whole lineage. When you marry a person, you marry their whole family, so make sure to discuss what type of involvement you are ok with well in advance or it can get ugly.
   
   Disclaimer for the women interested in marrying an Italian man: be ready to face their mother often.

8. BIG GESTURES ≠ TRUE LOVE OR #RELATIONSHIP GOALS.

   
   The media has led us all to believe that if your partner doesn’t buys you a Chanel bag, sends you $300 out of nowhere, or takes you on luxurious vacations every other month, then they do not love you enough. All of this is crap. True love is marked by the small, mundane gestures they do for you everyday: sharing a cup of coffee in the morning before work, watching a trashy TV show together even when it’s not in their style or making sure your laptop is charged ahead of a big day.
   
   Ditch the vision and ideals cast onto us by a lifestyle that was once reserved for celebrities and oligarchs, embrace the fact that true love is silent and consistent. Not loud and sporadic. Those 100 roses delivered to your coworker may hide a dark secrets. Be appreciative of the daily cues.
   

9. IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT MATTERS.

   
   Taste in clothing, education level, hobbies, objective beauty (though being physically attracted to your spouse really helps on those days you’d like to kick their butt). These are all superficial and fluctuating characteristics that, at the end of the day, do not matter. What matters is their mind, their heart and how they move in the world. Sometimes you’ll disagree on the outfit they want to wear to dinner but, with time, you can turn them into very stylish people!
   
   What you should evaluate is how they speak to the waiter. Do they treat them with respect or do they look down on them because they are service workers? A little fashion faux-pas can be corrected, rudeness cannot.
   

10. UNTANGLE EVERY DISAGREEMENT, EVEN WHEN THEY SEEM PETTY.

    Disagreements are normal. We disagree with our parents, our friends, our teachers. Why would we not disagree with our spouses?
    
    Disagreements can feel iffy. Generally speaking, confrontation is never fun—especially when it turns into a heated debate. Sometimes, the root of the argument is something silly like leaving cups by the sink instead of washing them. Maybe your spouse will dismiss your complaint the first time, and that’s what will make you not want to discuss your frustration again. But trust me when I say it’s better to face the issue when it’s fresh and small than wait until it turns into an avalanche of shit. A series of little petty differences will become a big conglomerate of very serious resentments if left undiscussed.
    
    It can take time to comb through these seemingly superficial differences, but tackling them early on instead of sweeping them under the rug will save you a divorce later.
    

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    I am a novice so do not take me as an expert, nor somebody you should go to for guidance, nor think that I will turn this into an advice column. Actually, writing this felt a little bit cringy. It took me eleven days to decide if I should send this or not. Maybe it could have been a private diary entry rather than a newsletter. other topics, such as how to take over the world, should be on my mind when writing. Jk.
    
    Marriage has been fun. Tying the knot, if anything, has made me a better person: less anxious, more positive, and with something to look forward to. Most days, I wake up laughing and go to sleep laughing. If I have a bad day, I have somebody I can turn to for a pick me up. Obviously, these are things that can—and should—happen in any kind of love partnership, even if marriage is not on the radar. However, taking this step forward together provides a sense of safety and closeness that, despite being in a committed relationship for years, I am new to experiencing. It’s like graduating from the NCAA to the NBA.
    
    

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    As the year comes to an end, I would like to shout out some projects and things that I look forward to see growing (these are no ads):
    
    1. Equator (www.equator.org): an independent magazine of politics, culture and art.
    

    2. CNSSS (www.cnsss.it): a super nice art gallery in Palermo, Italy.

    3. RARES (www.raresmaterials.wixsite.com): a library of reclaimed materials for purchase or rent based in Milan.
    

    4. Journal by Tasnim Ahmed: a fantastic fashion newsletter by a true lover of garments and their history.
    
    5. Body of Work (www.bodyofwork-studio.com): an artisanal clothing design studio based in Toronto, Canada.
    
    This list is super non-exhaustive and there are endless more projects I’d love to see come out on top in 2026. Including my own magazine. However, I am tired now. Bye!